Simplicity or Abundance, Which Do You Prefer?

I read a recent post that asked people whether they gravitate toward abundance or simplicity, and that caught my attention, so I decided to write about it. Simply put, my preference is simplicity!  For me, abundance flows from simplicity. Example:  I don't like warehouse shopping, like Costco. I mean, what am I going to do with a year-and-a-half supply of boxed Mac and cheese? I live in a small space. I prefer to buy only what I will use for the next week, or even just a couple of days, and buy fresh food when I need it again. The chance to see what looks freshest and most appealing every few days is a form of abundance to me.

My small living space has its limitations, so it isn’t great for entertaining a group of people, but it requires very little maintenance, giving me an abundance of free time. I don't have a lot of knick knacks--the cat would just knock them off anyway, and I don't have to dust them--who wants to spend their precious time dusting?! I don’t have to spend much time taking care of my stuff, instead I can spend time with people and doing things I want to do.

I like to keep the flow of stuff moving. I just bought a new printer to replace my still-working but out of date one that doesn't have the features I need. The old one is ready to go out the door to goodwill. I don't want or need it. Keeping it "in case" just means I have to devote more time to it later to consider again whether to keep or discard. Why invest more time in an item I know I don't need or want? So what if it still works--pass it along to have more useful life elsewhere and free up my time and energy to spend on more interesting pursuits.

I always have a partially filled bag in my closet for goodwill. New clothes in, old clothes out. Get rid of them and get them off my mind. You see, for me, an orderly environment translates into an orderly, clear-thinking mind. My space is a haven of rest and comfort to me when it is neat and orderly and not cluttered. If it’s messy, my mind is cluttered and clouded too.

I realize some people feel much differently than I do on this subject. Some people take great comfort in being surrounded by lots of stuff, and I honor that. I have felt very comfy in the homes of those people and their stuff, and to me it requires a special talent to make a place so comfortable with many beautiful and sentimental things. It's just not important to me at this time in my life to have a lot of stuff. I think of myself as being selectively sentimental. I like to travel light.

Speaking of travel, I plan to go to Iceland for a week in September with just one carry-on suitcase…stay tuned and I’ll let you know how that goes! 

Musing on Marriage by Lisa

Two weeks ago, I learned that a friend and former coworker lost his 29-year-old son. Every parent’s worst nightmare, right?  As more information became available, the family courageously revealed that their beloved son and brother, a brilliant young physician, musician, and writer, had taken his own life. This young man’s mother is a psychiatrist, making it all the more wrenching. They gave him a beautiful send-off, with many, many people coming to pay their respects. It is a tragedy, a loss of epic proportion. He was clearly very deeply loved by his family, and while he was very accomplished and successful, he still had much to offer this broken world.

Why do I tell you this? After I sat under the tent outdoors at the funeral in the sweltering heat and listened to so many people sharing anecdotes and sadness and anger and pain, and his father lamenting that there would be no one who could be comfortable with both the homeless and the governor in this world, I had an epiphany. I’m very interested in the topic of how we can help couples succeed in marriage, since admittedly, I have room for improvement. What can we do to help couples be successful? Seems like a complete change of topic, but here is a couple dealing with a crisis that some marriages cannot endure.

I don’t claim to have all of the answers, rather I have a lot of questions.  I had to wonder if it would help to ask oneself some questions about the person to whom one was contemplating making a lifelong commitment. For example, if a young couple could have been there to see the suffering of these parents, would they be able to ask themselves if this person with whom they are in love would be the person they would want next to them if they had to bury their child? Would this potential partner be the right one?

I wonder if young men who are about to be married ever consider the possibility of infertility, of their beautiful wife becoming obsessed with having a baby, her focus turning entirely to that, with the resultant depression and potentially draining their savings?

A few years ago, a friend’s mother had breast cancer in her early fifties. My friend, in her late twenties at the time, told me that in the beginning, she cried frequently about it. She was married with two small children then. Her husband expressed frustration with her one evening during a crying spell. When she told me about it, I said “Now he’s learning what marriage is really about.” Maybe it is about sexual convenience, and two incomes, and having all of the material things you want, and someone to go places with and not having to be alone. Maybe it is about fitting in in a couples world. Maybe it is about love, although I caution against putting too much faith in infatuation (don’t make any decisions in that chemically-induced phase). Certainly it’s about raising a family. But are we realistic enough about how difficult it is, about all of the compromise and responsibility? And if we were, would that help people to choose the right partner, and to be the right partner, and to seek help when it is needed to navigate all of the difficulties?

Sadly, by the time many couples end up in the office of a marriage counselor, it is late in the game and much damage has already been done. What can we do to take the stigma away, and encourage couples to seek help much earlier? I am loathe to admit it, but some of the tv shows now have made it easier for people to seek help without feeling so stigmatized. The counselors on television have demonstrated that there is help for improving communication. The reality is that it takes a tremendous amount of effort on an ongoing basis to truly understand another person. Success in marriage requires a constant investment of such effort, done as patiently as possible.

The Right Stuff by Jodi

Marriage should be able to withstand the sands of time. Can it? That is the million dollar question. When you get married for the first time, you never think about being divorced. Never think about sharing divorce papers with this person. Dividing the kids and the assets, how do you do that? You think you signed up in the good line and won't have any worries. Isn't that a joke? Then, the second marriage comes along, the 2.0 version, are all the bugs out yet? You are ramped up, talk about challenging, it is.

Marriage is full of worries; the mortgage, the cars, the kids, the sex, to name a few. Are marriages even supposed to withstand all of it? Would you rather do it alone? I sure as heck do not wish to be married each day but I am. I signed up for it and with my husband, I am in the trenches, trying to keep it in order. One day, a newly divorced friend said to me that she didn't need anyone in her life. I thought of how many times and ways I need my husband daily. I need someone to talk to, hug, or just hold my hand. I think of all the things we have faced in the past years and I need him just to get by. I need him but more importantly, I want him, I have chosen him to be by my side.

Recently, my husband and I hit a bump in the marriage road. A girlfriend said to me, "What will make you happy?" I really had to think about it. What I was doing at that moment would not give me happiness. I knew to find my true happiness, I had to change it up. We still are angry with each other but we know we want to be together and work on the things that need work, and so we are. I chose him because he is worthwhile to me. I put a value on him and his opinions. Our differences will ebb and flow but I know that whether I share good news or bad news with him, it is him I want to share it with, in the end.

We think differently. We have different hobbies. We like different foods, music and cars. We have a different religion. We have more things different about each other than alike but it works. Do I hate that we behave differently? Yes, but we take those differences and we look for positives and move forward. What else can we do? I love this man and he loves me. At the end of the day, it is his lips I want on mine. At the end of that chosen day, even though I might think he is dumb, I prefer his "dumb ass" be next to me than someone else's.

Marriage is not for the weak hearted. In order to do it well, allowances need to be made. Sometimes we are wrong or can't have our own way. We see that life is a series of temporary results and we can let it ride or choose permanent decisions. This thing called life is in perpetual movement, can you let it move and be alright with it? Only you know the answer to the question. I think it changes based on the day and the events. The person you have chosen to love is flawed but guess what? So are you! The question is, can you overlook those flaws? Are you supposed to be with another person? Will you give on your good days and your bad days? Will you be able to just be? Again, only you can answer these questions. Different things will change and you will have different responses depending on that day, but ultimately, the question that needs to be answered is, "Do you have the right stuff?"

"Cheaper" to Keep Her (or Him)....by Lisa

Jodi wrote about the financial impact of divorce. I’m writing about the emotional impact, which I think can be just as devastating, if not more so. I guess I’ll start with the assumption that one can financially afford to get divorced—let’s say that both parties will have enough money to live comfortably afterwards, in a standard of living similar to what they had before. With that assumption, let’s talk about the emotional impact.

Where to begin? Every marriage, every relationship, has its rough spots. There are things about your spouse, your best friend, your coworkers, and your neighbors, that can drive you nuts at times. Often they’re not big-ticket items, just annoyances, and we all have varying abilities to tolerate these quirks at different times. But sometimes there are bigger issues. I’m talking game-changing, deal-breaking issues. We can all name a few, although no one really knows what goes on between husband and wife, and which issues are the undoing of any one couple. I will venture to say, based on my experience, that the issues and gripes one has with one’s spouse are no more serious than the issues within one’s self—sometimes those are the real deal breakers. We all have our demons, right? I suppose what I’m really saying here is, Don’t Judge, in fact, don’t even try to figure out what happened between two people. Outside appearances may be contradictory to what the real story is.

A friend of mine said it takes 5 years to go through and recover from a divorce. I’d have to say that that is probably pretty accurate. I think it can be less when we’re younger and more resilient, and can adapt to change more easily. Now, though, it’s really tough. The good times can haunt us as much as the bad times. The sense of loss, and the process of grieving, sometimes seem endless and can leave you feeling desperate to escape it. Self-doubt is a frequent companion, and you can find yourself questioning yourself at every turn. Do you have 5 years to grieve, to be depressed, to be sad, and sick, and self-centered? Let’s face it, feeling so bad is all about you! Do you realize how much energy it takes over 5 years to start all over? To find a place to live, replace the possessions you’ve lost, and find new friendships to replace the ones that you lost? Can you salvage, slowly and painfully, your sense of self-worth? One of the biggest surprises for me was (and still is) the reaction of some family members and close friends. Be prepared to be judged, to be questioned, and not to receive the emotional support you expected from those closest to you. If you’ve been married a long time, your marriage was part of everyone else’s sense of stability, and when that is broken, not everyone can or will easily slide into the role of comforter and friend. Some will take sides, and not your side, either. The holidays, birthdays, and Sunday dinners you knew, with family get-togethers, can disappear like this morning’s fog. If your family is all out of town, like mine, that leaves some big gaps. Oh, and did I mention the exhaustion of all this emotional darkness? There’s the terrible dark nights when you can’t sleep, the inability to eat until you are sick, and the inability to concentrate, which can last months. These things add insult to injury—what if they figure out that you can’t concentrate at work? What if you get really sick, who will take care of you? What if you lose your job? Just a few of the many thoughts that come calling when you find yourself without that spouse, the one who drove you nuts. I don’t mean to minimize the reasons why marriages fail. It’s just that there’s a heavy price to pay, even if you can “afford” it. There might be other ways to spend the next 5 years,  that take a lesser toll on your mind, your health, and your pocketbook. 

Cheaper to Keep Her....by Jodi

In this world filled with divorce there is a phrase that rings in my head, "Cheaper to keep her" is a cruel truth. With jobless rates out of the roof and foreclosures running rampant in this world it's a different ballgame. Health insurance costs out of the roof and there is less time and more pressure to actually do things correctly results in a cheaper to keep her mentality.

You know full well that you are never going to be in love with this person ever again, you know that this individual meets none of the things you find interesting, important, let alone fun. The passion is gone from this marriage, it is over. Have you looked at the cost of divorce lately? Just to retain a lawyer costs in excess of $3000! It ain't cheap, it ain't yo' mama's divorce! That is just the cost of retaining an attorney, not filing for the full fledged divorce.

Do you have children? Do you own a home or property? What is worthwhile in fighting for in court? What about the amount of time it takes to duke it out? You also have to figure in the additional cash outlay and any debts you jointly share that require payment. Let's say you have a second marriage, the children are grown and you have determined this relationship is over, he wants to find someone younger, less likely to complain. She wants a peaceful life, rid of his annoyances and dumb hobbies, free to find herself in this part of life.

Should you end this marriage? I understand all of the struggles with making the relationship work, I understand her need for benefits, health benefits aren't cheap. He is used to having her plan the meals, going to the store and doing the laundry but now he will have to find the time in his busy week to do those things himself. She will have to go out and make a livable wage and be offered health coverage.

How can this happen? You are both not at the top of your game anymore, he has a receding hairline and she wears her robe and slippers each night, What? Are they gonna hit the bar and dance every night away? Is it easier to work out your issues? Multiple issues. Issues that arise so frequently they should have their own wing is the house!

No, the marriage is done. We have worked on these issues for years and we have never figured a solution. We have lived with each other, we know what the other likes or doesn't like, we know how she likes her drink in the evening and how he likes to do his crossword. There are parts of this that work.

What if you kept what worked and made peace with all the bull and could be friends? Would you do it? Can it be done? Do we really want to spend this time and money on this divorce? Do you have the time? Will you end up with a big bill at the end? Will your comfort change? Who gets the furniture? Who gets the friendships? Who loses at the end? Everyone loses. There are no winners. It turns out to be a sad day. Who knows what will happen down the road? It leaves a lot of people scarred and scared.

In a perfect world, you live in the house together. You don't have to be totally alone. You have your own room and your own life. Make intelligent decisions as you get older, what works for you and what doesn't?

This is your life, this is your time and I just know being tired and starting over isn't easy any time around the block. Spend more of your life living, breathing and being happy not figuring out how to pay money to attorneys.

I think the phrase, cheaper to keep her is more common the we think. I would like to think it changes lives from doldrums and responsibilities to enjoyment and purpose. I think I would like my life to function that way, instead of anger and disappointment. It seems happier a more loving existence. Going thru a divorce is not easy, but if divorced people could accept pleasing behaviors as being status quo and give up the negatives, we might have a more pleasing way of living in the future. Yep, cheaper to keep her!

3x5 Folded Card

Classic Collage 3x5 folded card

Create beautiful photo Christmas cards at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

Cool Images....by Lisa

We decided to write about our latest interests, and mine is photography. I have been taking all kinds of pictures with my little point-and-shoot camera that I carry in my purse at all times. You never know when a great photo op is going to present itself (like the time the Taco Bell sign said "Take Home a Penis"). The pictures on my facebook page are almost all taken with a camera phone or my point-and-shoot. I decided it was time for a more sophisticated camera, so I bought my first digital SLR camera--the kind where you can manually focus and determine all the settings, or you can let the camera determine everything. I have had all kinds of cameras in the past--including my dad's old Brownie camera, when I was kid, the kind that has a neck strap and you wear it like a professional camera, but you look into the viewfinder by looking down into the top of the camera. I had the instamatic, the long, rectangular thing where you had to buy the strip of flash bulbs and each one burned out when you took a flash photo--remember those? We probably all burned our fingers handling them too soon after taking the picture. My grandmother would always ask me to adjust the settings on her instamatic before taking family pictures--remember those days? Posing, smiling until you thought your face would freeze like that, wishing they'd take the dang picture already! And how about the Polaroids, the quality wasn't very good but it was fun to watch the picture develop before your eyes. Then there was the the Canon camera I got when Brian was born, where you put the film in and had to manually advance it to the first shot, and use the auto rewind feature to wind it back into the cartridge before opening the camera, or you'd ruin the film by overexposing it to light. My sister gave me the Yashica camera that took panoramic photos on regular film-- those were so cool. I remember taking pictures of the 17 kids Brian went to prom with using that camera--fun times and great memories. Since then it's been a series of point-and-shoots like the Sony digital camera that originally was nearly $400 and too big and heavy for a shirt pocket and now isn't much bigger than a deck of cards. The Olympus Stylus--I liked that one because it had a good zoom lens and the cool way the front cover slid open and closed. My latest point-and-shoot, which I love because it's small and lightweight and has a permanent spot in my purse, and takes great pictures by the way, is a Canon Powershot A3100 IS. It's 12.1 megapixel, which is plenty. One of the many things I've learned as I've started studying photography more seriously, is that increasing megapixel capability isn't the key to great pictures--its using light to your advantage. My DSLR camera is a Nikon D3100, I bought it after consulting with my photography class instructor. It's actually not nearly as heavy as older cameras, even with the 200mm zoom lens, and that's important to me--I just won't carry a heavy camera around. That's why I never was much for taking videos before--the videocamera is too heavy. My new camera records video in 1080p, so I'm all set now, no excuses. I'm taking an advanced digital photography class that starts Monday and I can't wait! I'm looking forward to learning a lot more about how to use my new camera. I also found a great book, available in Kindle format only, entitled "Improve Your Photography: How Budding Photographers Can Get Pro Results", by Jim Harmer. This is a really helpful guide that is easy to understand and helps you learn the fundamentals of your camera. He's also on facebook, look for ImprovePhotography. He posted some really cool photos he took on a recent trip to Yellowstone, using a $12,000 lens he borrowed. I love going places and taking pictures. Maybe I'll hit the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden on the right weekend in April, when the 90,000 tulip bulbs they planted last fall are in perfect bloom. Last year I got some beautiful pictures there. Now I'm keeping track of the phase of the moon, reading about how to photograph it and end up with something better than a picture of bright yellow spot in a black sky. Happy Shooting!